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Picture of Living with loss

Topic

Living with loss

For anyone who has lost someone due to cancer

  • 142 conversations

new & struggling

Started by Anonymous on 14 June 2017 at 14:16

Hi,

I lost my wonderful husband 7 weeks ago.  His passing was unimaginable, not the 'gentle passing' we had both hoped for and expected.  His final words to me were not "I love you", they were "Kill me I'm in pain".  He was a brave man and never complained but his words and his expression said everything.  I don't know how I am ever going to come to terms with that.

I miss him more as time goes on.  I can't remember happy times, only the horrible end.

I realise that I should look to the future but I don't know how to rebuild my life.  I am only 51 but that seems to be too old for some support groups and I feel too young for others.  I am disabled so joining walking groups is out of the question.  I have no children.  We recently moved to the seaside (with hopes of a gentle early retirement), so I have no friends.  I am completely alone and frightened.

I realise that this all seems so ridiculously dramatic but I just can't work out how to go on and how to help myself.

I had a counselling session but I didn't quite 'get' what was supposed to happen apart from a lot of tears, I will give it another go though.

Does this make sense to anyone out there?

Comments (5)

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Displaying 5 comments

  • Picture of SusieQ
    From SusieQ  
    13 November 2017 at 13:36
    Edited on: 13 November 2017 at 13:36

    Hello,

    It sounds as if everything is understandably raw and new - and other bereaved online visitors will recognise what you're going through. Losing a partner, in particular, leaves a huge gap in our lives...and getting through day by day can feel very difficult. It's more about treading water at the moment, waiting for waves of grief to come and go - hopefully getting easier as time goes by.

    I've sent you a personal message to introduce myself - and included a link to a blog which you might find helpful. 'Bereavement - the early weeks' talks through the initail emotions which you may recognise - and some tips for getting by. If you live near one of our Maggie's Centres, you'd be welcome to drop in and have some moral support from people who understand what you are going through.

    You already sound to be finding ways to try to fill your time, and distract yourself a little from the pain of loss. Be kind to yourself - and message Robyn or myself anytime, if you'd like to talk anything through...

    Warm wishes

    Sue


  • From Anonymous
    11 November 2017 at 16:53

    Hi MH, Your story struck me as being similar to mine, in terms of feeling distraught at the loss of my wife 8 weeks ago. We too had so many plans for our future, just moved to a new part of the country in August 2016, wife had retired early and I was preparing to retire myself. We had moved further away from our children and grandchild but were happy that this was only a temporary arrangement. Then in June 2017, my wife was rushed into hospital with suspected bowel cancer, operated on the next day which confirmed the cancer and thereafter began chemo treatment, 6 sessions every 2 weeks. Just after her 5th treatment, and due to complications with the treatment, she collapsed suddenly one Sunday night and never recovered. She died the next day without regaining consciousness, which I think is a small blessing, but also meant that the kids and I did not get to tell her what she meant to us. Shocked and stunned. I was devastated and ever since have, as you say, struggled. Friends and family have been good and I've spent a few weekends with the kids, but there is a big hole that at the moment is unfillable. I actually took a couple of weeks leave from work but found that I was doing the same things, walks on the local beach, going to shops, etc. that we would have done on holiday and realised I was not doing myself any favours, it was tearing me up. So, in the last week or so, I've begun to look at other activities, some that I have always thought of doing and others that we did. Just things that can take the mind from dwelling on the horrible situation, if only for a short time, however, she's never far away. Are you feeling any better, feeling that you're not struggling so much? I sincerely hope that you are finding comfort and beginning to look forward.


  • From Anonymous
    27 October 2017 at 15:30

    I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my husband 7 weeks ago. All I can think about is the final days/weeks before he passed away. Thankfully for me his pain was very well controlled so I didn't have that distress. I find that guilt and regret overwhelm me and I can now understand how some die of a broken heart. It is the night that I find the hardest and that's when everything goes through my mind the most and my emotions are at their highest. I hope that by now you are feeling better. Xx


  • From Anonymous
    23 June 2017 at 11:48

    Hi,

    What an awful time you and your husband had by the sounds of things and it sounds like as Sue said that your husband's pain wasn't under control.

    We lost my father in law almost 4 years ago and his illness although not cancer came on so suddenyl and within 6 months we had lost him. Maurice was a really healthy gentleman until he took poorly, he was incorrectly diagnosed and then he was gone. His passing was peaceful but I remember it like it was yesterday and his fear of death haunts me. I had the conversation with him about dying when I was going through cancer treatment myself in 2009 and he said death scared him, it did me too but I can honestly say at that time I felt I wasn't scared anymore and still feel that way today.

    As Sue says and believe me Sue has helped me so much over the years, grief is a slow process, what you have been through is unimaginable and is still very raw. Your husband's passing will be at the forefront of your mind and being without him. You will find over the coming months that you will think about the really good times you had with him and you will start to smile and even laugh at special memories you made with him.

    Honestly I would join the bereavement group Sue has mentioned on Thursday evening 7pm - 8pm on Maggie's. I found the support on here was amazing and because of it I have 3 life long friends, one that I meet up with regularly for coffee and 2 that I speak to every day.

    If ever you want to chat just send me a message.

    Take it easy on yourself.

    Best Wishes

    Beverley x


  • Picture of SusieQ
    From SusieQ  
    14 June 2017 at 15:44
    Edited on: 14 June 2017 at 16:18

    Hello,

    What you say does make sense, MH....

    It sounds as though your husband's last days and words are very fresh in your mind - these early days of grief. I find it sad to hear that his pain didn't sound well controlled, and that he and you were cheated of the gentle ending anticipated.

    Memories of the end hours linger for many bereaved people, even when the death is peaceful. Even more so for you, when it was a harrowing experience. It tends to push out the older, happier memories - and for a time, it may seem those memories won't return. They will...but it can be many months or more away. However, the acutely distressing images you're living with now, will gradually subside.

    However, it's the emptiness, and lost feeling that can be hard to take, particularly now. Building a new future may be seem incomprehensible, 7 weeks down the line...and in fact, I think it's more about clinging to the lifebelt at the moment, in a choppy sea of grief. Holding on, treading water, and taking things gently and slowly. 

    Counselling has it's place, but sometimes it may be several weeks in before it starts to make sense. You're having to go through the pain of loss and grief, and that involves tears and heartache.

    We have an online bereavement support group here, which meets on Thursday evenings 7 - 8 pm (see list of this online group, and other groups and courses here).  Many people tell me that WAY (widowed and Young) for under fifties, and WAY Up for people in their fifties and sixties, helps meet the needs of the young/mid life people who have lost their partner. You may have also heard of Cruse bereavement care?

    I'll message you to introduce myself and perhaps we can talk some more on a one to one basis....

    Warm wishes

    Sue

     


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