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As well as sharing experiences with our friendly online community, registered members are able to contact our experienced online team. The Centre is staffed during office hours and the online team aim to reply within 24 hours.

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Topic

Living with loss

For anyone who has lost someone due to cancer

  • 142 conversations

Loss of my husband

Started by Anonymous on 02 December 2017 at 18:09

Hi, I’m new to Maggie’s and lost my husband just about 5 weeks ago. His cancer had spread to his spine which was operated on about 4 months ago to remove as much of the tumour as possible but we never expected him to leave us. His last few weeks were torture for him with his pain and his behaviour was so unlike him also, angry and agitated as opposed to the most kind hearted, jovial person. I’m totally lost without him and the overwhelming grief I can’t control and burst into tears at any moment. I can’t think about how life is going to be without him as we were soulmates, but i see everyone else moving on with their lives, but do appreciate they are hurting also but have the close support of partners. We had so much still to do together (I’m 48, he is 57) but now he’s not with me anymore. I can’t even contemplate going out for a meal, as that was one of out “things” to do together, dining out. I have been off work since it happened but can’t even hold a conversation with the Dr without breaking down. I know I have to go back to work as need to be with people again, but that in itself hurts as I’m “moving on”, but actually want to go back in time. Apologies for rambling but any help / advice would be greatly appreciated Thx

Comments (1)

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  • Picture of SusieQ
    From SusieQ  
    04 December 2017 at 09:55
    Edited on: 04 December 2017 at 10:26

    Hello,

    I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. It sounds as though the last months and weeks have been very hard for you - and many visitors reading this will understand what you're going through.

    Having said that, I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been through a bereavement, truly understands the depth of pain, and bewilderment it can cause us. It probably doesn't help to know that much of what you're going through is normal - as in the midst of grief, it can feel very lonely.

    You may have already read my blog 'Bereavement - the early weeks...' which can help make sense of how you're feeling, and about looking after yourself whilst you're at your most vulnerable.

    Going back to work..in fact, anything that you did beforehand, when your husband was alive...may feel daunting...and feeling guilty about 'moving on' is natural. It's more about bringing a sense of new routine to your life, and getting through day by day, hour by hour.

    It will take time to get back to any sense of normality - you may well feel you'd just be going through the motions, going out for meals or meeting friends. Everything may remind you of times gone by, and the tears may not be far from the surface. However, good friends and family will understand your sadness, and so gradually you'll get into doing things again.

    After many years as a couple - being on your own can feel empty. Memories of the last few weeks before your husband's death may intrude, and it can be hard remembering happier times. Those memories will come back, and the fresher memories will fade...but not yet for awhile.

    I dont know if the local hospice was involved in his care at any time, but they will often provide bereavement counselling for those left behind. You'd also be welcome to drop into your local Maggie's Centre, and talk with one of the team. Being among people who understand grief, may help ease some of your distress....

    I'll message you to say 'hello'...and you can get in touch with Robyn and myself anytime, to talk through how you feel...

    Warm wishes

    Sue


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