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Picture of Topic Friends and family


Topic Friends and family

For anyone supporting someone else with cancer

  • 156 conversations

No idea what to do

Started by Anonymous on 13 February 2017 at 11:12

Hello everyone, My mums has just been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer we don't know much more other than that is spread they can't operate and she's waiting to see the onocologist. I live about 2 hour drive from mum and after much discussion I've returned back. However I'm finding it hard to be away. We've had a couple of discussions about me coming back home for good. However she says it's not what she wants she needs to know I'm ok and will be ok. I'm finally in a job that I love and doing well at and moved to a new flat and mum feels I've finally got myself together and she does not want me to lose that. I completely understand how she feels and respect it but I tried to explain it's important for me to spend as much time as possible with her and help where I can. Anyway I was so confused about what to do regarding work thought best to have a sit down. They've been incredibly supportive and said they will do what I need and suppprt me if I need to work from home from my mums. I'm on a big project at the moment which isn't easy to dip in and out of so talking about moving me off of that. Problem is now I feel guilty about that. Which is stupid mum is the most important thing right now. I think though because she is so proud and wants to see I'm ok I feel I should have it together and just get on with it. I'm just 30 and my mum is 62 so I know in some respects I'm very lucky looking through posts on here but also I don't feel it's time yet. I still go to my mum for support and help about everything she's my rock and I love her more than anything in the world. I recently went through something similar a few years ago with an ex partner he lost his mum and I was there for it all and it was heartbreaking it took its toll on him and well us as we are no longer together. So I know what's coming... I'm not sleeping very well and I look at work and it's a blur and I know I have to be strong And people are going through the same and worse and just get it together so I can work and be strong for the family but I just don't know what to do everyone's asking what I want to do and be supportive and I just can't work it out. Anyway thanks just wanted to get that out of my head.

Comments (1)

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  • Picture of SusieQ
    From SusieQ  
    13 February 2017 at 14:52
    Edited on: 13 February 2017 at 15:00


    It sounds like your mum's recent cancer diagnosis has been a huge shock - and there's no wonder you feel torn between being at home, and being at work.

    You did exactly as we would normally suggest, which is have a discussion with your employers, to alert them to the situation. They, in turn, clearly value you, and are being as accommodating as possible.

    However, it doesn't stop the (unfounded) you're possibly trying to do the best for both family and work. Some of the decisions will be easier once your mum has seen the oncologist, and a treatment plan has been discussed. She may be offered chemotherapy and radiotherapy for example. It may be that you could spend a few days post each chemotherapy cycle, at home with your mum, as those are the days she may feel the most unwell.

    As your employers have said you can work from home, a flexible arrangement could be helpful. I can understand your mum's point of view that she also wants you to have your flat, and your new job - a future that she can see you settled in.

    Perhaps take things a step at a time for now. Having discussed things with work, you're know they're on your side. See what the oncologist has to say, then plan some days at home as the treatment can then see how your mum feels during each treatment cycle, and take it from there...?

    In the meantime, whilst it feels horrible, the feelings you're experiencing sound natural and normal at this stage. You may feel panicky and anxious when you think of the unknown factors ahead, and sleep is often the first thing to go....

    We have some useful links on our Maggie's Cancerlink's information pages, which may be something to read through and take back some control of the situation...:-

    'Managing emotions'

    'Managing Stress'

    Relaxation and breathing exercises

    What cancer means for carers  (My recent blog topic)

    If you live near one of our Maggie's Centres you would be very welcome to drop in, and talk things through with it can all feel bewildering at this stage. Also, here online we run a weekly family, partners and friend's support group (Monday nights 7 - 8 pm) which can offer additional support (Simply click here for details of our groups/workshops, and courses)

    I'll message you to introduce myself. You can also get in touch with Robyn or myself anytime, for additional support and a 'listening ear'...

    Warm wishes


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