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It's not me...

by Anonymous

19 March 2017 at 20:53

So many feelings...

My mum-in-law has termnial lung cancer. She was given 6months, that was 7months ago. I'm scared. I have 3 young children, my eldest is a sensitive soul who is very close to her Nan and I can't bear the thought of her having to go through this and ultimately all three of them growing up without their Nan.

Under the circumstances my mum-in-law is doing well, chemo is helping to prevent growth, even if the cancer will never leave, and she is in good spirits. My husband just seems to bury himself in work and says he doesn't feel the need to talk. I want to scream. I don't feel like I'm coping. Me, of all the people involved!

I don't feel like I should be getting support, there are so many people that have it a lot worse than me. But I'm struggling. I suffer with depression and feel like my husband is almost scared of opening up to me in case I have another episode. I desperately want to be there for him and my mum-in-law but I don't know how. It manifests itself as frustration and nagging which doesn't help anyone, and then I feel guilty. but I feel like I almost don't have the right to feel as I'm not the one with Cancer or even a blood relative.

We haven't seen my mum-in-law in close to two months, after regularly seeing her every week. There are very good reasons for this, she has been very tired and sick with her treatment, then there is the fact that me, my husband and the kids have had various colds/viruses etc, and she is, understandably, pertified of getting ill, stupid time of year. Yet despite all this I feel myself getting angry with my husband and his mum that we are not seeing her. How ridiculous is that? I know it is ridiculous, which is even more frustrating!

But I feel like we are on borrowed time, even tho she is fairly well at the moment. I desperately want my children to spend time with her and I sometimes feel like the arguing with my husband will be worth it when he looks back. I don't want him to have any regrets that he didn't spend enough time with his mum, he's never going to get this time back.

This is the worst bit, something I've not said to anyone and i feel so ashamed about. I feel like my mum-in-law is being selfish. I am such a terrible person. What is the point in having chemo if it means she can't spend this precious time we have left with us. Yes it might prolong her life, but who knows for how long, are we are missing out on time now. We don't know what will happen tomorrow. At the moment she is not even up to video chatting as she is tired and vomiting a lot. My husband and kids are the ones who are going to be left behind, wishing they had more time with her. 

I don't know what to do, how to speak rationally to my husband, how not to make it look like I am somehow blaming him for our kids not seeing their nan, or that he should be seeing his mum more. The conversations just seem to go round in circles and I feel like time is running out.

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