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Our Journey

by Anonymous

21 August 2016 at 16:26

Existing

Five weeks ago today I lost Jonathan. I cant believe I havent seen him for five weeks, I havent spoken to him, I havent touched him. My life will forever be before and after the events of five weeks ago today.

It seems like such a huge amount of time to have not had any contact with him, yet I know it is such early days in this journey. This new life has only just started, but its not a life at the moment, I am existing, I am functioning, some days I am even managing to plaster on a smile. But its just existing, getting through each day with no real joy, no real pleasure. There is just an emptyness inside and nothing can fill it I dont think.

I read once that grief is like a tennis ball in a box, and the tennis ball never changes. The tennis ball initially fills the box, yet apparently as your life grows so does the box and gradually there becomes more room around the ball. I am sure there must be an element of truth to this, grief cant consume you forever I dont suppose or you really would go mad. But I have no idea how to grow from here, I still cant accept this has happened yet, let alone build a life around it.

All he told me was 'be happy whatever it takes' that was all he asked of me, all he wanted from me, yet it was too much to ask. He was so vital to that happiness, what it takes to be happy is impossible to achieve because he isnt here and he never will be agan.

I have never felt so empty all the time, so lonely even in a room full of people, so envious of others living a normal life, just so utterly lost.

 



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